June 12, 1912

June 7-12 at Philippine General Hospital. Met Miss Wil­liams and Mrs. Smith, very kind and good nurses. Miss Tirona, very kind to me. Met Miss Lopez who called with Mrs. de Veyra and Miss Zamora. Flowers daily from G.P. Dr. Mus­grave and Mrs. Egan very kind to me; also Flores and Garcia. Dr. Ubaldo sent flowers. Dr.Reyes sent card and magazines. Mrs. Taulbu came to see me every morning. Dr.Acosta peeps in once in a while. Maria Jose, Juabita, Dr.Nicolas, and rela­tives came to see me.

Feb. 28, 1912

Was very indignant at the ingratitude of Americans; no wonder Filipinos don’t like them here, when they des­pise us and everything Filipino, and yet they make their livelihood in the P.I. They say everything here is bad, etc., etc.; but why remain? If Filipinos are lazy, it is not their fault. The climate demands that they be less energetic.

They are all alike – wake up, Olivia; they do not deserve the consideration you show them. They have tried my patience so much by their continuous fault-finding and criti­cism that I feel like running into the woods and not see any American for the rest of my life. I have tried to meet them more than halfway, do all I can for them to promote good understanding between them and my people, but they are not worthy of the trouble.

September 4, 1911

Rejoice at the fact that I shall be the first one in the P.I. to be subjected to the use of tuberculin in tuberculosis. I am glad, because I afford the best chances for its actions to be carefully noted. If tuberculin proves effective in the care of T.B. by the experiment made on me, I would feel as if I have rendered a public service to humanity. Should it fail (there is no occasion for such thought, for I would know in time whether it is doing me good or not) then I shall be glad also for it would save many from its dangers. Help me, Jesus dear! And may the experiment be carried out successfully, so that thousands of useless lives may be made useful by it.

August 26, 1911

Embarrassing as is the thought I cannot help entering it into this book of my life, for the truth of it seems to me more and more convincing. I am not by any means pretty, rather of the common, ordinary type of face; my conver­sation possesses  nothing of the charm , vivacity and brilliance of most entertaining conversationalists; my man­ners, if anything, are awkward, lacking that polished and refined self-possession of a refined and educated girl – and yet I know, I must confess blushingly, I must have some magnetic charm hidden somewhere that makes a l l people enjoy even a minute of companionship with me. Whatever it is, You put it there, oh Lord, and may it serve the purpose You intended it for. It is the one source of happiness to me, for thru this magnetic charm I am able to go near and help others.

Aug. 18, 1911

I am sorry to be as cynical as I appear, but I cannot help it.

It seems to me I have not had the sympathy and the coopera­tion I ought to have. Since the beginning, you all seem to be ready to condemn, to blame and to provoke me, rather than to encourage and give me hope. I have been alone – as far as my family is concerned – in my battle for life. He alone has sympathized, has encouraged and helped me in my misfor­tune. Do they think for a moment, I wonder, that I am satis­fied to be thus deprived of my chances for success, accom­plishment and work? Little do they know and realize my heartache, my despair at being handicapped. A nature, such as mine is, ambitious to an extreme, cannot, will not accept unwarranted and unjustifiable limitations.Physically disabled as I am, I do not allow my ailments to interfere with my intellectual activities. My life was meant to be a busy life and my mind a busy mind, so regardless of place or circumstances, there shall be something for me to do.

(Undated entry)

(Note: The specific date of this entry is not provided, but the following context precedes the entry in Dr. Alzona’s paper: “She was one of the charter members and the first secretary of the Philippine Antituberculosis Society which was founded on 29 July 1910. Towards the end of the same year she was found to be suffering from tuberculosis. She was at her office on the Escolta (No. 105) to attend a meeting of the Philippine Antituberculosis Society. While getting things ready for it, she wrote in her diary…” So for purposes of placement the date November 30, 1910 has been tentatively assigned to this entry.)

…long spells of cough seized me, which left me, for a time, weak and breathless. Often enough I have had before this time similar coughing spells, but as I felt strong enough to work, I did not pay any attention to it.Today, however, because of the cough and the general weakness which was beginning to get hold of me, I was very much disinclined to work and exertion.I was feverish, nervous and dyspneic. …

(Alzona continues, “When Mrs. Martin F. Egan, the presid nt of the Society, and Dr. W.E. Musgrave, member of the board of directors, en­ tered the office, she wrote,”)

they noticed how I coughed, how ill I looked; so Dr. Musgrave suggested that I go out to San Juan del Monte and promised to have a house built there for me, even though at his own expense, about which Mrs. Egan suggested to have the Society pay for it. Dr. Musgrave made a slight examina­ tion and was rather rough to me. This same time I remember Mrs. Egan treated me very impolitely by giving me her back as an answer to a just question. I asked her whether she could come to the office the following Thursday, as I had to go to San Isidro to fulfill an engagement she herself advised me to make. Soon afterward I left the office extremely depressed and downhearted, because of my hard luck and unfair treatment I had received.

As soon as I got home, I told the people in the house of the advice of Dr. Musgrave and of the seriousness of my condition; also that I intended to go to San Isidro that day and sleep there that night. After lunch, they very kindly advised me to rest awhile . . . .

At 4 o’clock we left Plaza de Goiti in a calesa for San Juan. When we got there, Dr. Garcia, the resident physician, was very glad to see me!l and was all attention and kindness. We were shown the hospital, grounds, and cottages. We were introduced to his – mother and his only sister . . . We lingered here for 1-1/2 hours and then left – with the understanding that I was to return to stay there that night and that Dr. Garcia was to go to the house to get me. Dr.Musgrave telephoned him that same day about my condition and my admittance.My first insight into a sanatorium, for, when I first went there with Dr. V.G. Heiser and others, it was being fixed and altered only.

At 6:30 Tio Pablo took me to San Juan, seeing that it was getting dark and Dr. Garcia had not arrived. As soon as I got there, I went immediately to Dr. Garcia’s house and was there for a long time talking with the doctor’s mother who told me about Dr. Garcia’s studies, his illness and finally his marriage to which she was very,. much opposed …. After waiting for a long time, Dr.Garcia arrived and we had supper with fun and jokes now and then to whet our appetite. After supper Dr. Garcia took me to the hospital dining hall to see the patients’ meal and to the hospital itself to see the patients. Then we sat down on the piazza adjoining his rooms until ten o’clock, when I retired to my tent.The tent was pitched on top of the stone wall surrounding the hospital grounds, the floor being of wood and the rest of canvas. There were two army cots in it, one for me and one for the nurse, one wash stand, one pitcher and one basin and a clean towel.There was no soap and . …