26 Febrero 1883

…Rizal támbien está enamorado, no se ha declarado del todo pero casi, casi. Me dijo anoche que el tenía una enfermedad que no se le quitará más que viajando y eso sisacaso; tambien me dijo y comprendí el por que, que dos hermanos se habian matado porque los dos jugaban á una carta, ó lo que es lo mismo, porque los dos querían á úna misma mujer. Dice que él se ha fijado en una que es muy alta para él pero que a pesar de haber hecho por distraerse que ha sido inútil. Yo le escucho con gusto porque habla bien y tamo que crea con eso que le doy esperanzas, como es en realidad, pero me pasa que me gusta su conversación, me abandono a ella y luego que se vá me pesa; viene y vuelvo á hacer lo mismo.

Me decía Lola (prima de la que escribe), que debíamos salir este verano y yo me alegraría á ver si dejondo de ver filipinos, conjuraba una tormenta que veo próxima.

Me encuentro sin saber que partido tomar; Lete por un lado, Rizal por otro, por otro los dos hermanos (se refería á los Paternos, Antonio y Marimino), todos atacan y no tengo para defenderme más que mi cabeza, pues mis antiguos adoradores como no voy á ningun lado no los veo, y aunque los viese sería lo mismo.

Aquellos no mé convienen por unas cosas, y estos tampoco por otras, en fín algunas veces temo volverme loca.

. . . Rizal is also in love; he has not declared this but almost, almost. He told me last night that he had a sickness that would not leave him except when traveling and that was only perchance. He also told me and I understood why, that two brothers had killed each other because both played the same card, that is, because both loved the same woman. He said that he had taken notice of one who was very tall for him but in spite of the fact that he had done it to amuse himself, it was useless. I listened to him with pleasure because he talks well and I fear that because of that he may think that I’m giving him hope, as it is in reality, but as it happens that I like his conversation, I abandon myself to it and then when he goes away, I’m sorry; he comes and again I do the same thing.

Lola (cousin of the writer) was telling me that we ought to go away this summer and I would be glad to see if by not seeing Filipinos; I would avert a tempest that I see is near.

I find myself in a position of not knowing which side to take: Lete on one side, Rizal on the other, on another the two brothers (she refers to the Paternos, Antonio and Maximo); all attack and I have nothing with which to defend myself except my head, for I don’t see, as I go nowhere, my former admirers, though it would be the same should I see them.

Those who do not suit me for some reasons, and these neither for others; in short, sometimes I fear I may lose my mind.

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